Hey girls! We've been talking about boys and romance for years here on the blog. In fact, we're going through some of our most read posts this month as part of our attempt to bring you sound advice on the subject of romance. Even if you've read these posts before, we encourage you to check them out again as a refresher on God's plan for your love life.
There is one question that has been asked on this blog more than any other: are crushes okay? It seems many of you are serious about your commitment to remain physically pure until your wedding day, but that hasn't stopped your heart from racing when a certain guy walks into the room. And you're wonderingAre these feelings okay?
I've read your questions and realize this is an important topic for many of you, but I've been silent for a big reason: I wasn't sure how to respond. If I'm being honest, I have to admit that I feel just as conflicted as many of you.
A young lady recently emailed me on this subject. My answer didn't seem to satisfy her because she replied, "I was a little disappointed that you didn't have a way to instantly get rid of a crush." I am also disappointed! That secret would surely be worth a million dollars.
The truth is that the Bible is not as clear on this as we would like. There is no eleventh commandment that says "You shall not fall in love." And while we know that God's standard for our purity is not to have an ounce of sexual sin (Ephesians 5:3), this can be hard to define when it comes to our mental lives.
In case you start to feel even more discouraged, I'm happy to report that the Bible gives us some guidelines that I think apply here. Let's take a look together.
First, I think it's important to point out that the attraction felt between a man and a woman is God-given. In Song of Songs, the king and his bride share their mutual admiration (including physical attraction) as they prepare for their wedding day. That attraction only intensifies after the wedding.
and whileesit is certainly possible to avoid beingphysicallyGetting intimate with someone before marriage, outside of an arranged marriage does not seem possible to avoid all feelings of affection for the man you marry. At some point before you get to "I do," I hope you start feeling gaga for the man God has for you.
But even before you're ready to fall head over heels for your husband-to-be, you'll probably get butterflies in your stomach over some of the other guys at your school or church. For your sake, I hope those sentiments are directed at a man who is a Christian. Otherwise, there is no opportunity for you to flourish in a God-honoring relationship (follow thislinkto my post on dating non-Christians). But what if you fall for the totally awesome guy in your youth group who loves Jesus, has spiritual depth, and even volunteers at church daycare? What do you do with the feelings you have for him?
These are the guidelines I came up with based on the truth of God's Word.
1. Clearly lust is not okay.
InMateo 5:28, Jesus gives a strong warning against lust. In fact, He says that a man who looks at a woman with lustful thoughts in his heart has already committed adultery. I think we can apply this same principle to our own lives. This is a serious matter. But what exactly is lust?
Dictionary.com gives five applicable definitions for lust. I have listed them below:
- intense sexual desire or appetite
- I desire uncontrolled or illicit sexual appetite; lust
- a passionate or overwhelming desire or longing.
- fiery enthusiasm; cheer up; savor.
- have a longing or desire; have a strong or excessive desire.
The first seem like common sense. If your thoughts about your crush have turned sexual, you have a problem. If you find yourself fantasizing about a romantic physical encounter with this man, Jesus says it is the same as committing the act of adultery. This is not a gray area; If your crush has turned to lust, it's time to direct your thoughts in a different direction.
But definitions 3 through 5 give us more food for thought. If your crush has become "overwhelming desire" (in other words, he has taken over your mental life) or has become obsessive, he has gone too far.
2. Be self-controlled
Galatians 5:22–24 actually has a lot to teach us on this subject. He says, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and temperance. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires."
If we are Christians, these qualities are the fruit that will hang from our lives. Self-control seems particularly applicable to crushes. You may have very strong feelings for a certain guy, and you need to practice self-control to keep those feelings from igniting. And there is help. The end of this passage tells us that the death of Christ gives us the strength to lay off the passions and desires of our flesh.
Second Corinthians 10:5 tells us that we have the ability to "take captive every thought to the obedience of Christ." That includes our thoughts on that cute boy at Sunday school!
Your thought life may seem like a raging forest fire that is totally out of your control, but that is not what the Scriptures tell us. God helps us to have self-control even in the way we think.
Do you ever pray for the person you like? Have you asked God to give you wisdom to understand how he wants you to think, act and interact in this situation? Have you asked God to help you have self-control in this area? He can only help.
3. Look at the clock.
There is another important principle that I rarely hear applied to lovers: stewardship. Stewardship is a word we use a lot in the church when it comes to money, but God really encourages us to be wise stewards (or make good decisions) over all our resources, including our time.
When we apply this to crushes, it's important to realize that if you spend too much time thinking about, talking to, or interacting with your crush, you've probably crossed the line into an area that isn't so divine. honoring
ask yourself,How much time do I really spend thinking about my crush? Am I still a good steward of my time, or has concern for this child caused me to neglect other responsibilities? Does the amount of time I spend thinking about this boy indicate an obsession?
I realize that putting these guidelines into practice is easier for me to say than for you to do. I've been happily married to the man of my dreams for almost eight years, and while I'm still very much in love with him, in many ways my standards are different than yours here. But I do remember what it's like to feel weak in the knees when seeing a certain person, and I want to encourage you that it's possible to have those feelings and still remain emotionally pure.
I hope this answers your questions. I look forward to meeting the next challenge you send me armed with the Word of God!
In Psalm 38:8,10: David added, “I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart. The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.” So even when we are crushed if we seek the Lord we will lack no good thing.Is it a sin to like someone? ›
Attraction Itself Is Not Sin
“Let us be clear: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints believes that 'the experience of same-sex attraction is a complex reality for many people. The attraction itself is not a sin, but acting on it is.
The most common sign of having a crush is the feeling that you have a million butterflies flying around inside you when that special someone is around. It can also feel like your heart does a leap when you see your crush and you feel warm and giddy. Do you suddenly feel nervous but excited at the same time?What's the difference between a crush and infatuation? ›
Crush is defined as a brief but intense infatuation for someone, especially someone inappropriate or unattainable. Infatuation is defined as an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone or something. Unlike crushes and states of infatuation, love truly sees and accepts their object of affection.Is it wrong to have a crush on someone? ›
It's completely normal to develop crushes on other people, even if you're married, engaged, or dating! One study even suggested that 98% of men and 80% of women have fantasized about someone other than their partner in the two months leading up to the study (Cheney, 2020).What does God say about physical attraction? ›
1 Samuel 16 is often referenced in the discussion on physical attraction. As God said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart” (verse 7).What makes kissing a sin? ›
The Bible tells us a lot about lust and sexual immorality, and that we are to flee from sexual immorality and lustful desires. If kissing before marriage stimulates lust or leads to sexual immorality, it is a sin and should be avoided between couples that are not married.What is the greatest sin in a relationship? ›
Telling a lie is a sin, not just to man but against the Almighty God. Every foundation of a relationship must be based on trust but once partners lie to each other in a relationship and if one of them should find out, it will affect the trust they have for each other which is the bedrock of a solid relationship.Why do people develop crushes? ›
Psychologically speaking, crushes occur when a person of any age projects their ideas and values onto another person whom they believe possesses certain attributes and with whom they want to be associated. Then, the person with the crush attaches strong positive feelings to this magical image that they have created.What age do girls start liking boys? ›
First crushes may occur at any time, but generally start at around 10-13 years of age. They are an important step in developing normal and healthy romantic relationships, and provide opportunities to learn how to compromise and communicate.
You could be suffering from Limerence — a cognitive state of obsession and infatuation. You may be fixated with having your feelings reciprocated. You refuse to give up because you know it's meant to be. Very common in the world of Twin Flames.Is it a crush or an obsession? ›
Another way to figure out if it is a crush or an obsession is to think about a life without that specific person. People with crushes will often be able to “bounce back” after, but people with obsessions will feel as if they can not live without that person in their grasp.”Is it just a crush or am I in love? ›
Generally speaking, you should want to be around the person you're in love with. "You want to be with them more and get to know them better," says Firstein. Crushes fade and you may get bored after spending time with the same person, but with love, you're never disinterested.What comes after a crush? ›
3. Infatuation. Now that you know for sure you have a crush on this person, next comes infatuation (Connolly, et al., 2013). And for many of us, this is the best part about having a crush because when you're infatuated with someone, your whole world starts to change.What are the dangers of a crush? ›
In addition to possible direct muscle or organ injury, after release of the compressive force, severe crush injury results in swelling in the affected areas, with possible muscle necrosis and neurologic dysfunction. This soft tissue injury can also be due to a secondary injury from subsequent compartment syndrome.What should you never do to your crush? ›
- Come on too strong. First of all, there's nothing wrong with being straightforward. ...
- Fantasize about your future together. ...
- Send mixed signals. ...
- Act like you don't care. ...
- Pretend to be someone you're not. ...
- Act jealous or possessive. ...
- Overthink everything.
- 1 Embarrassing for both of you. It's only normal that if your crush knows how you feel about him/ her, he/she feels embarrassed. ...
- 2 You want to be wherever that person is. ...
- 3 You end up becoming a stalker, almost. ...
- 4 You become over-conscious. ...
- 5 You are distracted as a person.
Dopamine is the reward hormone that is released when we do something that makes you feel good, such as spending time with loved ones and having sex. Attraction is also associated with higher levels of serotonin, the happy hormone.What makes men physically attracted? ›
Heterosexual men tend to be attracted to women who have a youthful appearance and exhibit features such as a symmetrical face, full breasts, full lips, and a low waist–hip ratio.When the attraction is too strong? ›
Key points. Immediately having very intense sexual feelings for someone often comes from a primitive — and dysfunctional — set of feelings and beliefs. People who feel extreme sexual attraction often have a history of psychological trauma, neglect, or addictive tendencies.
Does Scripture command people not to kiss before marriage? No. The Bible doesn't explicitly forbid kissing between two unmarried people. A Christian couple that is dating with the consideration of marriage or is engaged doesn't necessarily sin because they share a kiss in a manner that retains their purity.Is it a sin to Cuddle? ›
No, it's not sinful, but it is unwise. The act that God deems sinful is sex before marriage, not kissing or cuddling. The problem is, we're wired on a physical level to desire sex, and kissing and cuddling triggers that desire.What is the most forgivable sin? ›
Therefore I tell you, people will be forgiven for every sin and blasphemy, but blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven. Whoever speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but whoever speaks against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come."What is the most committed sin by men? ›
According to a 2009 study by the Jesuit scholar Fr. Roberto Busa, the most common deadly sin confessed by men is lust and the most common deadly sin confessed by women is pride.What is the common sin to man? ›
BBC News reports that a Catholic survey found the most common sins for men are lust, followed by gluttony, sloth, anger, pride, envy and greed.Do grown men get crushes? ›
Crushes Aren't Just for Teenagers
Rather, adults of any age can have crushes—even when they're in a committed relationship and completely devoted to their partner.
Researchers have scanned the brains of people who are madly in love and found a heavy surge of dopamine, a neurotransmitter in the brain's reward system that helps people feel pleasure. Dopamine, along with other chemicals, gives us that energy, focus, and obsession we feel when we're wild about someone.Why are crushes addictive? ›
That ramped up engagement is what gives you the physical symptoms of a crush like increased heart rate, sweaty palms, even butterflies. Next, dopamine provides a spike in joy, renewed energy, and motivation—which is why a crush can feel a bit like taking a drug. The high is addictive.At what age boys are attractive? ›
While men seem to be genetically predisposed to be attracted to women in their mid-to-late-20s, women tend to be attracted to men around their ages, if not older; this means men in their 30s have the best of both worlds. Men in their 30s are attractive to a wide range of women, from 20-somethings to women in their 40s.At what age can a girl fall in love? ›
And though for most people it happens young, it's certainly not true for everyone. They found 55 percent of people fall in love for the first time between the ages of 15 and 18.
It's important to consider your child as an individual. Consider their emotional maturity and sense of responsibility. For many kids, 16 seems to be an appropriate age, but it may be entirely suitable for a mature 15-year-old to go on a date, or to make your immature 16-year-old wait a year or two.Do you ever stop crushing on someone? ›
Know That This Is Temporary and You're Not Alone
No matter how much your heart is hurting, know that the feelings won't last forever. You will move on from a crush. "Feelings — even very negative ones — are actually temporary. There will always be times when you want something intensely and it just doesn't work out.
Fortunately, crushes usually don't last long, although you might feel like you'll be miserable forever. It's pretty common for the strength of your feelings to decrease within a few weeks or months. The amount of time it takes to get over a crush can vary, though.How long do most crushes last? ›
Even though it can end with a broken heart, the drama that leads up to it is exciting and thrilling. But what is too long to have a crush? In reality, according to psychologists, a typical crush usually lasts for FOUR MONTHS. If the feeling persists, what you feel is what we like to call, “being in love.”What girls do if they like you? ›
- Smiling at you.
- Shooting short glances your way.
- Darting her eyes away when you look at her.
- Making prolonged eye contact with you.
- Running fingers through her hair.
- Licking her lips.
- Exposing her neck.
- Tilting her heads towards you.
A lot of girls giggle a lot around the guys they like because crushes make them feel a bit giddy and lightheaded just for being around the guy that they like. If you find the girl always giggling or laughing a lot around you, even if you've barely said anything funny, then she may like you.What do boys do when they like you? ›
- He leans toward you during conversation.
- He angles his body toward you in the room.
- He finds small ways to compliment you.
- He makes eye contact.
- He steals a glance at you.
- He singles you out in a group.
- He seems drawn to you in the room.
- Overwhelming attraction to one person.
- Possessive thoughts and actions.
- Intense preoccupation with a relationship.
- Threatening the other person if they leave.
- Extreme jealousy.
- Repeated messaging via text, email, or phone calls.
- Monitoring the other person's actions.
Obsessive love can cause a person to fixate on their loved one as though they are an object or possession. This can have many causes, ranging from mental health issues to delusional disorders. Health professionals do not widely recognize obsessive love, or “obsessive love disorder,” as a mental health condition.Are crushes unhealthy? ›
There is a difference between a healthy and innocent crush and an unhealthy infatuation with someone. It's essential to know the difference because it can impact your entire life. If you think you have a healthy crush, but in actuality, it's an unhealthy infatuation, it could be detrimental.
From Infatuation To Love
Most relationships will start off with crush-like feelings while you are getting to know someone. Remember too that there is nothing wrong with having a crush on someone or feeling infatuated.
One way to distinguish between love and infatuation is whether your feelings are based on idealization or rooted in reality. If you are attracted to someone based on your fantasies or hopes for who they are instead of who they truly are, you are likely experiencing infatuation.What are the 5 stages of a crush? ›
- Attraction. The early days of the relationship are the honeymoon phase. ...
- Curiosity. As the infatuation fades a bit, you start investigating your partner and who they really are as a person. ...
- Crisis. ...
- Deep attachment. ...
The three stages include lust, attraction and attachment.How does a crush behave? ›
If they blush around you, laugh uncontrollably for almost no reason, can't look you in the eye, or fidgets a lot, then you have your answer. These are all tell-tale signs of someone who is crushing. See if they mirror your behavior. A common sign of attraction can be shown through imitation.What Psalms says about crushing enemies? ›
Surely God will crush the heads of his enemies, the hairy crowns of those who go on in their sins. that you may plunge your feet in the blood of your foes, while the tongues of your dogs have their share."What does it mean to be crushed in spirit? ›
A deadening of your spirit, such that you sometimes can't feel joy, experience intimacy or cry appropriate tears numbing inside you.Is it a sin to break someone's heart? ›
Conversation. Hurting someone's feelings, and breaking their heart, is a huge sin in Islam. Words cause more pain and remain longer than anything physical.What does the Bible say about crushed but not forsaken? ›
The apostle Paul wrote, “We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed” (2 Corinthians 4:8–9).Where in the Bible does it say to scatter your enemies? ›
Psalms 144:6 In-Context
6 Send the lightning and scatter my enemies. Shoot your arrows and force them away. 7 Reach down from above. Save me and rescue me out of this sea of enemies, from these foreigners.
27 “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. 29 If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also.
Psalm 25 1
Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me. No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame, but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse. guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” The Good News: Though you may feel defeated, God is closer than you realize. He is always with you and can heal your heart.How do you heal a broken soul? ›
- Give yourself permission to grieve. ...
- Take care of yourself. ...
- Lead the way in letting people know what you need. ...
- Write down what you need (aka the 'notecard method') ...
- Go outdoors. ...
- Read self-help books and listen to podcasts. ...
- Try a feel-good activity. ...
- Seek professional help.
Both repenting and believing require that we turn to the Lord with broken hearts and contrite spirits. The word for “heart” in Hebrew refers to the “inner man” or “will.” To have a broken heart means that we are willing to put off the natural man and yield our will to God's will.What does the Bible say about romantic heartbreak? ›
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” The Good News: No matter the source of your heartbreak, God can repair your wounds.
- Tell your BF or GF that you want to talk about something important.
- Start by mentioning something you like or value about the other person. ...
- Say what's not working (your reason for the break-up). ...
- Say you want to break up. ...
- Say you're sorry if this hurts. ...
- Say something kind or positive.
The long answer is that the pain might be caused by the simultaneous hormonal triggering of the sympathetic activation system (most commonly referred to as fight-or-flight stress that ramps up heart and lung action) and the parasympathetic activation system (known as the rest-and-digest response, which slows the heart ...What are the last words of Jesus? ›
Luke 23:45b-46: And the curtain of the temple was torn in two. Then Jesus, calling out with a loud voice, said, "Father, into your hands I commit my spirit!" And having said this he breathed his last.What does the Bible say about being pressed on every side? ›
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.
Even before God became man, it's clear throughout the Old Testament that God feels sorrow, even weeps for the crushing blows of His people. Psalm 34:18 promises us that “the Lord is close to the brokenhearted.” How can you be close to someone who is brokenhearted and not feel their pain?